#i hope they dont have a bad ending please please please
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[Ramble warning ⚠️]
Ever since I read this coai/shinshi fic on lofter that had the premise of shinichi following shiho's surname after marriage I started thinking of what kind of ending would I like.
I like the premise of no antidote so they have to live on as edogawa Conan and haibara Ai together w the detective boys from elementary all the way, almost like a happy dream come true or a second chance in life (one would have been fatally shot without aptx4869, one took it w the intention of suicide)
But after reading that particular fic, I kinda don't want her to drop her identity as miyano shiho, cuz her name is like a gift from her parents, and is how her beloved sister calls her. It'd be nice if she could overcome, accept her dark past and live in the light as miyano shiho instead
So I think whether it's haibara Ai or miyano shiho, whether it's coai, shinshi or shinai (I personally like the idea of ai chan using herself as a test subject for the antidote so much she developed a resistance) (I find the chances of coshi happening very low logically but I am open to it if someone can develope it well) (I also prefer them to be in the same state BC their fates r tied together but a godfic 竟渡河 convinced me shinai is as good as coai and shinshi even if haibara decided not to take the antidote rather than BC she couldn't),
The coai I love is the interaction between Holmes and Watson + Irene 2 in 1, be it daily life or during cases, their shared fate, to still have each other in such unfortunate circumstances.
Haibara left one reason or another? No worries, he'll find her again one way or another. They grew up together as tablemate? Perfect. They ate the antidote and work together in adulthood? Also perfect. Only shinichi turned back? He'll wait for her, "time can rewind, as long as you hold onto my hand". No matter the setting, no matter how things develope from here on, their chemistry is unmatched. They'll be okay together.
By the way for those curious, the first fic I mentioned goes along something like shinichi from 10 years in the future meets with an accident that caused a coma, and during this coma he gets sent back in time to present day. Conan is mysteriously missing for the time being. Shinichi takes haibara out for a day, accidentally leaving his police id at agasa's. He takes her shopping, asking for her opinion on wedding dresses (he didn't get to have a proper ceremony with shiho) but she's deflective because she's thinking of ran. He spoils her rotten by buying her fusae bags, perfume, etc willingly although she's mindful. When he comes back w her ran and sonoko who are at agasa's saw the id and are like ??? Why is your surname miyano now and he explained that miyano as a family name holds huge importance to his wife so he decided to go with her surname instead of making her part with a significant portion of her identity. When the actual him wakes up from his coma in the future, he starts to disappear in the present day and haibara acknowledges him for the first time as a miyano after recovering from her shock. When shinichi wakes up shiho is sleeping by his bedside. He notices her crying and tries to wipe her tears, but his gesture wakes her up. He asks her why, and she replies it's bc she dreamt of a younger her being chosen. He smiles because he knows that it's because he chose her right there and then in the past.
The second fic I mentioned? I need to sleep first LMAO
#coai#BE? you mean bittersweet endings?#why yes i am a BE enjoyer (doge)#i hope they dont have a bad ending please please please#happy ending believer copium#i can finally sleep in peace after getting my thoughts out#they're in love ur honour#they're so married alr#im a witness to their wedding i am the little fish that eats parasites off sharks
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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Are we gonna have to share a fandom with the new live action fans??? I don't think I'll ever be mentally prepared for that (especially if they're coming from tiktok)
#httyd#i mean like fans who have come from the live action#not the ones already here who like it#i really hope it doesn't turn out as bad for the fandom omg 😭#not that new fans is a bad thing but like imagine posting a funny clip of the twins or something and they're like “why are the identical” 😭#i posted something like this on Reddit and i got a bit of hate for it#please dont take this the wrong way#ive seen it happen with other fandoms and it never ends well 😭#how to train your dragon#hiccup haddock#hiccup horrendous haddock iii#toothless#rtte#httyd 2#httyd books
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my s class hunters does a really good job at gradually raising the stakes without feeling like a pointless power creep and keeping me extremely invested and i keep saying this but I really do think it's bc it's a story grounded in love at every turn... the bond between the han brothers especially is extremely compelling and beautiful and makes me feel like a knife is being stabbed into my heart and twisted all around... i love them so so much 😞💔❤️🩹❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
#(another tweet liveblog that im crossposting here)#im up to ep 102 in the webtoon now btw!!!#s class liveblog#also it took a while for yj to completely grow on me (i always liked/loved him but it's prob bc they#lightened the tone of his chara or w/e as ppl were saying... in the beginning at least#that ive been holding off calling him a 'fav' (im kinda picky w protags/have side chara liking syndrome...#even w twsb i didnt rly start biasing yeseo until i read the novel... cedric was my 1st bias#(and w orv ive only read (part of) the webtoon and yjh is my bias so mdnfn)#(i rly loved yj from the 1st few ch tho but yea i can kinda tell the webtoon lightened his chara a lot... not that i think its all bad bc#its been fun to read at least dkfbdn)#but now that im further in im just like... wow. he's such an incredible character and protagonist. wow#def as good of a protagonist as kdj (and i personally like him better bc he's a big brother HHHHHNG.#i love him just like i love jung yeseo...#i love him SO much. he's just incredible#and yea dont tell me about the novel bc im going to read it myself but#yeah i rly cant wait to experience his original characterization and get intimately aquainted w his narration/internal thoughts...#REITERATING...DONT SPOIL ME ANYTHING FR#also just more abt the webtoon but... biwan-nim is SOOO good at drawing expressions & portraying emotions#i fucking feel every emotion that yj feels and it fucking breaks my heart and makes me cry uuuaaaghh T___T#yoojin.... TT__TT💔💔💔#also god he's just... so fucking COOL. and not just in like a cool savvy protag kinda way#(bc usually i kinda sleep when protags r like. Too cool/op skfjksdj but he's not like that at all)#i mean as a person... he's so incredibly... oughhh#as a person... as a big brother... T__T...#i cant even put it into words. he's just... i love him so much. it hurts.... im so deeply invested and rooting for him at every step...#he and yoohyun deserve the whole world i really hope they can get their happy ending together T_T💔💔💔❤️🔥 please...
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uuhhh in other new that lmk s5 trailer dropped and people are very
mixed
for context the new season is being partly animated by wildbrain i think. flying bark is still working on the show but probably due to all the other projects they've been working on like the atla movie the animation is off.
its understandable that people are upset. lmk has some of the most consistently dynamic and lively animation ive ever seen, and going from that to ok animation kinda sucks. as a culmination of a lot of what the series has been building up to people were inevitably going to be disappointed
at the same time people shouldnt harass animators. like ever. no amount of trying to petition or anything will change the s5, people are just trying to do their job and theres no probably no major changing to the finished product by now. and theres still a lot of that lmk charm in there, and we haven't even seen the whole season yet to judge it. flying bark is still working on it, and even if the animation never reaches the peak of the old seasons it still has the same writers so at least the writing has the chance to live up old standards. idk though we'll just have to wait and see
#i do think they could have just delayed it after dealing with other projects but with the anniversary lego might have jsut forced them????#and with how the animation industry is i guess they didnt have a choice#tbh im still really sad about the downgrade but after rewatching the trailer a bit more its not that bad despite the tweening#we've been spoiled with the other seasons but i think people will get used to it at some point. maybe#though i cant forgive some of the new stuff like li jing and that dragon tiger duo they do not fit the artstyle at all#though for li jing i think the problem is mostly proportions and how small his eyes look#but the dragon and tigers snouts just look bad.#ok looking at it again i think it looks weird because theyre dissolving. the design's still off but it wasn't as bad as i first thought.#but the proportions and shapes feels like it just isn't from lmk#idk i could nitpick but negativity is tiring and these guys have big shoes to fill for a show they werent prepared for it was inevitable#for any last takeaways please do not be mean to the animators#also studio changes are normal so its not some horrible injustice or the sign of the end times im more upset lego didn't handle it better#i still hope s5 is good and i want to believe it'll still be satisfying by the end the plot so far sounds pretty interesting#or atleast that the atla movie is good enough to compensate#and if im feeling greedy there will be a 6th season that gets better#and there are still good shots throughout all of this so maybe it'll work out with the season as a whole#with how popular it is in china i dont think its out of the question#idk though a lot of information is still up in the air so i guess we just wait#lego monkie kid#lmk#monkie kid#alttalks
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Getting flirted on made me wanna throw up and I had nightmares because of it- I'm so Stressed Out bro 😂😂 its been awhile since the last time someone gets as persistent, and he's not crossing the line or anything it's just me feeling Ugh at the whole idea of Flirting and potential dates. And how everyone around me keeps saying "waiting for the Good News *winks" like I *need* to Progress from this and I feel Pressured to Progress Further despite not Wanting This- or maybe I do Want it or is it me wanting actual date or is it me wanting to be The Perfect Daughter who will Marry a Man?? I'm so stressed out over this bro like im sorry but this isnt making me excited nor happy at all. No offence to The Guy, he didnt do anything wrong...
#red rambles#I had nightmares for like two nights straight bro#like I have to be Pleasing at all times#like if it wont be working out it needs to be him who cut things off#and fuck why does everyone gets so excited over this while im not#calm down Red they all mean well... and hes not a Bad Person its just a few chats#and at least he found me cute I guess???#idk this is all so stressful I hope it ends in brighter things#either it will work out or it wont#(will it work out if I didn't even feel anything and just going along to respect his efforts)#AUGH I DONT KNOW... IM SORRY
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I'VE FINALLY FINISHED BROTHERSHIP IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!
#clai speaks#spoilers in the tags probably#ahhh first of all i am still astounded the game exists at all. we all thought m&l was done forever but here it is!!!#the timing of me playing superstar saga and getting really into mario last year couldnt have been better#i mean i probably would have played brothership still even if mario hadnt become a main interest of mine like that. but anyway#absolutely stellar re-entry into the series it did not disappoint in the SLIGHTEST#i think i 100%'d it? only thing i didnt do was finish that last dyode dance sequence but like its fiiiine#took about 50 hours i didnt get a chance to check my final time. really surprised that the game went that long!#i dont think it was a bad thing at all though. the game mostly didnt feel like it was overstaying its welcome#i did think lottacoins and the lower level solitree went a tad too long and i didnt like them but only a little. they're still fine sections#surprised that i didnt even feel like the sidequests were a drag they were all alright!#character interactions were so good ofc. love the new cast!! starlow felt a bit flat which is a shame but she also didnt appear much so#the sidequest where she visits bowser and he calls her chippy!!!! made me so happy!!!!!#all the callbacks were so good i'm glad they can still do that. yelled out loud after finding the peasley reef#docking points for no dreambert reef however. jail worthy offence#on reclusa specifically i dont have a lot to say about his character he's just your typical evil for the sake of evil villain#but i have to say i Love his design. the really exaggerated facial expressions and that clown neck frill. really fun character actually!!#ahhh call me childish but i'm never a fan of endings where friends separate but i like to think the second uni-tree--#--will allow them to link back up once its grown and can generate more connectar to do it#cant say if its my favorite yet bc recency bias is still too fresh but its absolutely my second favorite m&l game at least!!#i havent played paper jam yet i wanted to play the original paper mario and spm first. but i always hear its bad so??#brothership is at least on par with dream team for me rn. absolutely stellar game#i hope this means we'll get more m&l someday! i've already left a very positive response on the survey they put out#anyway. now to decide what to play next because i have a MASSIVE backlog of games and i didnt think this would take this long BJDHJFHF#10/10!!!! please play brothership immediately
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there has got to be a nicer way to say that i don’t care about befriending these cis white men to my friend. Please please i don’t care if they’re nice i don’t care omg😭😭😭 We have nothing in common and so do u guys. pls. Stawp it
#kitty talks#i love it to death but pleaseee. idgaffff😭😭😭 omg😭😭😭 and theyre all so fucking ugly too and mid FUCKEKJEEHHWHH omg#i’m being so nice right now but Please. Ur killing me. Please . Please. Please#again. i love it a lot but it also ends up breaking up with its boyfriends like 1 month in. So i jjust. Dont have the capacity for that#I dont need to be introduced to random dating app men and then find out theyre weird or assholes. LMFAO. who cares#i am Begging begging it meets a trans guy. like god. its only cis men.and theyre so stupid looking. And uninteresting. and unpassionate#uneducated. Ok. Rant over i guess. My head hurts so bad snd reading these texts are just kind of getting to me . Man#Omg. Hes giving us a ride back after thr show tomorrow and im hoping to like. Bear through it#I need to be drunk out of my mind for this
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 58
Chapter; Highlights
Not that there was much Elide could do.
Despite the generous gift of power that ran through the Lochan bloodline, she possessed no magic, no gifts beyond reading people and lying.
Rushed to get bandages, hot water, and whatever salves or herbs the healers calmly requested. None of them shouted. They only raised their voices, magic glowing bright around them, if a soldier was shrieking too loudly for their words to be heard.
The sun was barely over the horizon, judging by the light at the windows set high in the Great Hall, and so many already lay injured. So many. Still they kept coming, and Elide kept moving, her limp becoming a dull, then a sharp ache. A minor pain, compared to what the soldiers endured. Compared to what they faced on the battlements.
She didn't let herself think of her friends.
Didn't let herself think of Lorcan, who had not come to the chamber last night and had not sought them out this morning. As if he didn't want to be near her. As if he'd taken every hateful word she'd spoken to heart.
So Elide aided—and did not stop.
No, that magnificent horse trampled them, fearless and wicked, just as Chaol had predicted. A horse whose name meant butterfly
—stomping all over Valg foot soldiers.
Had his breath not been a rasp in his chest, Chaol might have smiled. Had men not been cut down around him, he might have laughed a bit, too.
But Morath was launching itself at the walls and gates with a furor they had not yet witnessed. Perhaps they knew who had come to Anielle and now hewed them down. Aelin and Rowan fought back-to-back, and Fenrys had plowed his way down the battlements to join Chaol by the second siege tower.
Morath, it seemed, did not think to surrender. Only to inflict destruction, to break into the keep and slaughter as many as they could before meeting their end.
His shield bloodied and dented, his horse a raging demon herself beneath him, Chaol kept swinging his sword. His wife lay within the keep behind him. He would not fail her.
Soon now. They'd win the field soon, and the song in his blood would quiet.
Part of him didn't want it to end, even as his body began to scream to rest.
Yet when the battle was done, what would remain?
Nothing. Elide had made that clear enough.
She loved him, but she hated herself for it.
He hadn't deserved her anyway.
She deserved a life of peace, of happiness.
He didn't know such things. Had thought he'd glimpsed them during the months they'd traveled together, before everything went to hell, but now he knew he was not meant for anything like it.
But this battlefield, this death-song around him ... This, he could do. This, he could savor.
The golden helmets of the khagan's army became clear, their fiery horses unfaltering.
Finer than any host he'd fought beside in a mortal kingdom. In many immortal kingdoms, too.
Obeying the death-song in his blood, Lorcan let his shields drop. He did not wish it to be easy. He wanted to feel each blow, see his enemy's life drain out beneath his sword.
The earth shook beneath thundering hooves, and arrows screamed overhead. Then there was roaring. And then blackness.
#Chapter 58#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Elide Lochan#Yrene Towers#Nesryn Faliq#Salkhi#I love Salkhi#Sartaq#Chaol Westfall#Lorcan Salvaterre#First Read along with me NO SPOILERS PLEASE though warning for post & tags up to KoA 58 & more reacts/notes/quotes in tags below#No power; um Reading & lying is a skill though she’s brilliant she doesn’t need power-I love that they don’t shout-waiting for Sunrise —#—Okay where’s elide?there she is?what was with the ending?What??Where?Go!Eretia aww she came too! —smart children for Mala#The heart-realizing it-DID NOT STOP-Farasha lol Hellas Butterfly-YESROWAELIN literally have each others backs-the color scheme—#—of this cinematically with the dark colors against gold in the rising sun *chefs kiss* would be perfection-please don’t bring in spiders?#so how did that work btw with Falkan & the age & not recognized?Hope!!! DAMNThe dam!Water AND fire Noooo! YAS NESRYN&SALKHI! My bbs!#Just turn it to steam Aelin! Iron all the clothes lol she’d make a great dry cleaner! Whitethorn & the Queen inch by inch the land is their#song of war-then quiet-What would remain?She loved him she hated herself for it and he didn’t deserve it-You2can have peace too Lorcy#Fiery horses?better but still bad…LORCAN DONT U DARE!lion & death roaringNo armorNo prisonersjust war echoesold woundsThe#aftermath of forgotten thingsWhite banners-Next next time-She’s a good learner-The tower Westfall#The would not fail Celaena paralell along with then it is not the end THATS MY WIFE#Lorcan and the lion them all working together Fenrys and chaol or Sartaq signs to Nesryn#get back in line hold the line she held the line#told him not to run but to fight. — I don’t think we can trust the so called gods of these books anymore
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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Ya know what inktober or cringetober, what have you, I'll be drawing all these Isaac au shitpost nonsense baby. I FEEL ALIVE. WITNESS MY CRINGE OR LOOK AWAY IN DISGUST. IM LIVING! WRAAGGHHH
#i have not been able to draw this much in years dude#i went thru a whole sketchbook in just two weeks its freaking epic#my brain juices my hand juices theyre coming to life#too bad my fmla will end in november. god i wish i was paid to draw nonsense like this#and trust me you do not need to know or play isaac to know what the heck is going on#im the master of not knowing whats going on and the master of catfishing. i dont know anything and you shouldnt either#its all about wink wink nudge nudge but i take full creative liberties. im taking the reins and going into maximum overdrive#and i hope my new followers enjoy what im spitting. please take a gander at the other things i draw because i have bursts of hyperfixations#i just want to be free to draw what i want ya know. i always feel held back because it doesnt go toward with improvement or making money#but i really think i am improving right now by drawing all this stuff my brain is spitting. my hand tryna keep up with my thought patterns#its nice. and my hand isnt cramping. why? cause i keep taking breaks. me taking breaks yet still drawing this much#youll know you improve if can get thoughts and sketches down fast and comprehensible when you go to clean it up#im rambling but i jsut want you to know that i am happy. even if no one really pays attention to what ive beeb doing. be it this or my ocs#im having fun. genuine fun. i am so tired so goodnight. i lov e you guys
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guys can you please pray with me that the place where i work stays in a bad financial situation for a bit longer 🙏🙏🙏
#ALDKSKSKKS I KNOW THIS SOUNDS BAD BUT IT MAKES SENSE#its bc that means more chistmas holidays for me#im working there with an intership and i do NOT have holidays technically#however the enterprise isnt doing very well lately so theyre making all of us go home in christmas#that is without paying workers during that time but since im with an intership i Will be paid in spite of this#they said it was going to be two weeks but lately there are rumors they might be just one#which means less holidays for me that otherwise i wouldnt have so#im really really really hoping they dont change it in the end.....#just a bit longer........ please..............
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Who gets more worshippers: Your SoLM Life or City of Immortals Life/Twyla?
I don't really know?? SoLM Life isn't planned to play much of a part in my works, so I haven't thought about her too much.
#as much as i love city of immortals#if you are going to send asks about my au please dont ask about the nuanced things#i dont mind talking about theoretical smack downs or comparisons between character personalities#however things like this aren't really things i know about#just ask about things i can easily pick up on through the story itself#i dont want to end up accidentally spoiling things with something flippy told me privately#i also have a bad memory so chances are ive forgotten the little details#sorry for rambling in the notes hope this makes sense#my asks#solm au#pibcoi au#puss in boots au
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Sometimes people will comment on completed oneshots with 'can't wait to see what happens next' and you're just like 'oh babe that's it' but now you kinda feel you gotta figure out what would happen next despite the story being over in your mind
#ace writes sometimes#writing problems#Comments#im not bothered by the comments i just have an intrinsic need to please and so when someone expresses interest in a story i want to continu#it for them its just sometimes that interest is in completed ficlets and i end up putting pressure on myself thats not necessary#im not saying dont comment that! ive continued oneshots that had been completed before and sometimes despite being completed i do have#further ideas for that verse its just that im not committing to writing that story so i mark it as complete for now so in those instances#seeing that other people are also interested in potential follow up is great! but i just dont want to disappoint people when i inevitably#do not follow up because im bad at updating my actual wips never mind previously completed works#*edit: i responded to the initial comment that prompted this post explaining that the fic in question is complete and i didnt have plans to#change that but i can see how it might seem unfinished with how i left it cus i was unhappy with it at the time i dont have plans for it bu#i have continued completed oneshots before. basically in a theres no plan but it could happen just dont hold out hope#and they left another comment. on an unrelated fic asking me to write a fic with the plot of the fic i had already completed with no#acknowledgement or reference to the fic they were actually commenting on so now it starting to seem a lil pushy maybe a tad entitled
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Vent
Tw: sewerslide and SH
#....i really miss being 4yrs without a care in the world and my family loved each other so purely#fuck its not fair that she does this to me#im shaking over how upset this is making me#i cant always be the one at fault thats IMPOSSIBLE and not fair#she sees it as im lazy n dont like being told to do stuff#i see it as she literally picks on me everytime her health anxiety gets to her or her fiance......i watch it happen like fuckin clockworm#but im the bad guy im the lazy emotional youngest sibling whos life was sooooooo perfect cus mom n dad treated me different#I WAS HIGHLY AUTISTIC#im sorry that you wanna feel special so you gotta pretend my life was just so great cus i got extra attention#I NEEDED EXTRA ATTENTION#Dad did his best to make us all feel equal and you know thst#i du no im jjst fucking done with the littlw comments#i read over my dads shoulder so i already knew but my sister brought up what he said to her before sending me here since the waters broke#he said “please dont say anything to her she has enough on her plate”#and she just got all snippy with me about it#....i literally came to your house with 3 big slashes on my arm when do i get a fucking break from the picking????#next time ill do both my arms maybe then shell have nice emptions for me#im literally frozen in my seat sweating cus of how upset im trying not to bw#its very rare she has a soft moment with me and she completely ignores my scars or my mental health#shes now crying in the other room......#like....i dont even know what to do abymore its not fair im always the bad guy#i shouldnt have to deal with a shitty attitude ontop of the other stuff i got going on#its like shes allowed to stab me but i even react to the pain suddenly im a horrible person#its times like these i just wanna end myself cus im tired of trying so hard and having no one to unmask with#im constantly performing for other people only to not get the same energy back im SO tired#update: i escaped#i love my sister but when shes struggling she acts bitchy towards me and thats not fair#literally did the oppisite of what my dad asked her lmao#i bet she stopped crying and is now finding any lil mistake to bitch about#now im blasting sad music into my ears in hopes of not spiraling
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i hate the food situation at my house so much for the love of god. theres only so many times a man can eat ramen with nothing or tuna with nothing
#theres no fucking. ingredients. theres nothing to add. i used to walk around my kitchen trying to look up stuff to make with what we had but#it required like. an onion. an egg. a spice. a vegetable. and we dont have that#and something about me. idk what it is idk if its me or my dads fault but i cant ask for it. i cant. i think part of it is bc i need the#ingredient for my one thing and then. it goes bad and its my fault and i feel bad#i hate my food situation so much. my dad makes this food in the microwave that he knows i dont like or eat. but if i make something else he#gets offended like thats not fair#and i feel bad for complaining bc i should just get a job and buy my own food but im not gonna do that bc im not gonna get a job.#i have trust fund money. like a decent amount from when i was hit buy a car#i should move out of state like right now. and live off that and when it runs out. ill just lay in the street i guess. i hate my life so#much guys its not funny. idk what to do. theres no fixing this theres nothing i want to do and nobody can help me bc theres no solution#everyone ignores it bc theres no solution to my problem. im never gonna be happy. its never gonna be worth it#nobody wants to tell me thats life suck it up or die bc they know id rather die by a mile. im so embarrassed of my stupid life im such a#failure. i want to kill myself bc i dont want to work like how pathetic is that. thats so stupid. i dont really say it to my parents bc they#would just laugh at me. or yell at me. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i find myself hoping i get in a car accident and die#anytime i go out. i hope i dont wake up in the morning. i hope something bad happens and its not my fault so i dont get the blame i just get#the benifit of not having to do this anymore#god thats so. dark. its how i feel.#its getting to the point where i dont feel like i should say im not gonna kill myself at the end of these. im still not yet. but it feels#like a yet situation. like its gonna get to the point where i start trying again.#im still not there yet though. please dont… well idk what happens so suicidal adults. call the police on me. my methods arent any more#refined than they were when i was 14 trying to drink. nail polish.#simons spouting#vent :(#suicide //
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